8 Toxic Behaviors That Cause People To Push You Away and How to Fix Them
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” — Elie Wiesel
We all have them.
From time to time, we all lose our cool and say things that hurt the people around us.
Sometimes we do it on purpose.
Sometimes we don’t really mean for it to come off as harsh or critical, but it does anyway.
We’re only human, and sometimes even the most motivated person with impeccable manners can fall victim to a toxic behavior, whether out of a momentary lapse in judgement or a response fueled by their own pain and frustration.
The truth is, humans aren’t emotionally intelligent creatures by nature. We’re naturally limited in what we can feel and understand.
Our brains function on autopilot in a variety of ways, regardless of how well-intentioned our thoughts are or how much we want greater connection with others.
Here are the 8 most toxic behaviors that I see in my daily life.
Taking things personally.
Life is an echo. It always gives back. What you give out, you receive in return. If you take things personally and hold grudges, people will do the same to you.
And although they may not say it, people who do this will never respect you or treat you well because they know that you have no boundaries or that your boundaries are easily broken.
For example, when someone says something that offends you or doesn’t treat you with respect, how do you respond? Do you ignore it, get angry or feel hurt? Or do you tell them nicely that what they did was wrong, but then never bring it up again?
If someone does something that hurts or offends us once and we forgive them for it but don’t forget it, we’re not being naive and we’re not having a short memory; we’re just being wise and choosing to see the good instead of the bad. But if the same person does the same thing multiple times after we’ve already forgiven him or her for it once, then he or she obviously lacks respect and doesn’t deserve any from us either.
Remembering this will help you not to feel so hurt and victimized when people attack you verbally or treat you badly. You can just let it go and move on without having been wounded by their comments.
Making everything a transaction.
When everything becomes a negotiation, nothing can get done. A healthy relationship should be an exchange of value between two parties that both sides find beneficial.
But when you have an “it’s my way or the highway” attitude, then people will start choosing the highway instead of doing business with you. Try being more open-minded and willing to make concessions when doing business with others.
The problem with saying “I did this for you, so you owe me that” is that it’s based on the assumption that helping someone obligates them to do something for you. It also assumes that the two favors are equal in value, which isn’t always the case.
Finally, it ignores the fact that by asking for a favor, you’re putting someone else in the position of saying no to you or disappointing you. That’s an uncomfortable position to put someone in and not conducive to a good relationship. If you want something from someone else, ask them directly instead of implying an unspoken obligation.
Believing everything you think.
You realize that you are thinking negative thoughts, but you don’t know what they are. You ask yourself if you are in danger; if not, then the thought is not a fact.
You’re not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. Thoughts are just things that float through our minds and we can choose what to pay attention to and what to ignore.
Here’s the thing about toxic behaviors: They are often rooted in the false belief that if we admit we’re wrong, or if we give someone else the benefit of the doubt, or if we show genuine interest in another person’s well-being, then somehow we will be taken advantage of.
This is a deep insecurity that causes us to feel threatened by anything that might make us look bad.
For example, it is not uncommon for people who are insecure to become defensive when criticized. They hear any criticism as a personal attack and respond accordingly by lashing out at whoever offered it. “You can’t criticise me because I’m perfect! I am exceptional and without flaw,” they seem to say.
And when people get defensive like this, they push others away because they’re communicating that they don’t have room for anyone else’s thoughts or opinions.
Place your self-worth on things outside of yourself.
If you feel like other people’s opinions of you affect how happy you are, it’s important to find your self-worth in things that have nothing to do with others.
Stop believing what other people say and focus on who you are. Be proud of the fact that you’re a hard worker, a great friend, and an excellent student. Focus on your strengths and don’t let other people’s comments define who you are.
Especially if you’re in a culture that focuses heavily on physical appearance, it can be easy to compare yourself to others (especially when those “others” look like models or actors).
Comparisons generate jealousy; jealousy leads to insecurity; and insecurity creates unhappiness. Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
Blaming yourself for everything that happens around you.
To quote the great Greek philosopher Epictetus, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”
Sure, we all make mistakes and do things we feel guilty about after the fact — but there’s a fine line between learning from our missteps and beating ourselves up over them.
If every time something goes wrong, your first thought is “what did I do wrong?” or “I’m such an idiot,” it could be that you have an internalized habit of blaming yourself for things that are out of your control.
When this kind of toxic thinking seeps into other areas of your life, though, it can cause problems. Start by acknowledging the good things about yourself and taking responsibility for the parts you can change (rather than being held captive by self-guilt).
In other words:
Work on building resilience in the face of adversity. Focus on what strengths have allowed you to survive thus far and what improvements need to be made in order to progress further down your life path. This will allow others to feel more comfortable around you and may even improve their opinion of you if they’ve witnessed this behavior previously!
Blaming others for everything that happens to you.
If you find yourself blaming others for everything that happens to you, it’s probably because you want the perfect life — one free from problems, conflicts and conflicts. However, throwing your hands up and expecting others to take care of things is not a good way to go through life.
It’s important that you start taking responsibility for your actions and accepting their consequences. If you have a hard time doing this on your own, try consulting a therapist who can help you identify the roots of this issue and guide you towards embracing your mistakes instead of running away from them or blaming them on someone else.
Living in the past or worrying about the future.
As much as we might want to, we cannot change the past. Life is about the present and looking towards the future. The past is over, so it makes no sense to dwell on it. Instead of constantly thinking about what you could or should have done differently in your life, focus on what you can do now.
It’s easy to fall into a pattern of putting things off for another day until one day there’s nothing but regret left. Since you have no control over the future, don’t worry about it. Focus on the present moment instead and prepare yourself for what comes next.
It’s difficult not to obsess over a troubling situation that happened in our lives or worry incessantly about problems that haven’t occurred yet.
But breaking this pattern will help lower your stress level while improving your mental health since you won’t be ruminating on negative events or worrying about possible outcomes that may never come true anyway.
Avoiding what needs to be done.
Procrastination is something that we all struggle with from time to time. It’s the bane of existence for many people, and it can lead to missing deadlines, failing tests, or even getting fired. But why do we procrastinate?
Some research says that procrastination is caused by low self-confidence. If you don’t think you can do something well enough, then you will put it off so that you don’t have to deal with the embarrassment of failing.
Other research on procrastination has shown that the fear of failure causes people to put things off until they feel ready to tackle them.
A third hypothesis suggests that people who have anxiety-related disorders are more likely to procrastinate because they avoid tasks that cause anxiety — even if those tasks would ultimately help them solve their problems!
Either way, there are ways around these psychological stumbling blocks so that we can all stop avoiding what needs doing and tackle life head on!
Being too self-absorbed.
Sometimes, we’re just being jerks. Everyone has their own issues to deal with, so remember that you are not the center of the universe. That said, it’s natural to feel defensive when you’re attacked or criticized. Many of us have developed a habit of fighting back when someone says something unkind about us or our ideas. You can’t control how other people act, but you can control how you react to them.
Instead of going on the offensive and trying to prove them wrong, try listening to what they have to say with an open mind. If it’s constructive criticism, take it for what it is and improve yourself. If this person is simply being negative because they enjoy bringing others down, acknowledge that negativity without engaging in it yourself.
If all else fails, focus on yourself and your own needs rather than catering to others’ criticisms and judgements.
As long as you’re comfortable with what you do and don’t do and are confident that your intentions are good ones, there’s no need for other people’s opinions to matter to you — regardless of whether they offer them kindly or rudely!
On a final note..
In the end it’s not your job to be perfect, or even feel that you can do everything on your own.
People are there to help you, you are there to help them, and a healthy relationship is based on communication and friendship.
That being said, toxic behaviors aren’t going to get you any further in life than they have so far because sooner or later someone will tire of them.
You might lose a friend or two along the way but in the end it will be worth it because you will gain friends that appreciate you for who you truly are.
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